thanks broad beach

you're making my skin brown

today and the last few days

today: we went to the amusement park and wow was it ever hot.  i know australia is hot, but i was about to melt as i got into the car.  i saw a baby tiger and it was the cutest thing i've ever seen.  oh, ya and i also pet my very first kangaroo and it's little joey.  i went on some crazy rides and almost threw up on the spongebob fly pants ride.  today was my first official day of "working".  my job includes going to amusement parks.  bet your job isn't this fun.

yesterday: how great it is to get across the world and discover that your memory card has decided to hold a maximum of five pictures.  it's not great.  it wasn't great, when i wanted to take some pretty pictures of the beach, but it wouldn't work.

the day before that: first i went to a family orientated beach with the ross's and then they dropped me off at broad beach where i spent the day watching some volleyball tournaments, laying on the beach, reading and sleeping.  i then attempted to go shopping.  after that i successfully managed to find my way home on the bus and made a few friends on the bus.  i might add that when aussies try and talk like canadians they sound like hillbillies.  it was entertaining to say the least.

who would have thought

who would have thought that i'd ever be the one missing what i never thought i would.  i miss the slushy snow, melting away by the rain on the sides of the street.  i used to hate the way it'd come down and then wash away the next day, but today i miss it.  i never thought i'd miss the chaos, getting ready to have everyone over for christmas eve.  right now, i even miss all the pines falling off the christmas tree. i miss the music blaring from the computer room; mariah carey, the grinch and little cindy loo who.  i'll miss my grandma's home cooking when christmas day rolls around.  this year i won't get my chocolate letter or sweet little poem.  i'll miss christmas morning with my family around the fire.  i'll miss their laughter, bickering quarrels and smart little remarks.  i'll miss it.

vegemite

so I tried some Vegemite for my first time yesterday.  The kids here love this stuff, they grow up on it.  I almost threw up.  It's gross.

day two in aussie land

well, i won't lie.  i am a little surprised to discover all the rain here, but that's okay.  it's beautiful!  the kids are absolutely adorable.  there's four of them, and they're all completely different in personalities, but look a lot alike.

today is my day off, so i'm going to go explore the town.  i would love to run into a kangaroo on my way..

last minute thoughts

i am blonde, so very very blonde.  i thought my flight was leaving sunday morning at 7 am, but nope turns out that's when my return flight leaves.  my flight isn't til sunday at 11:45.. this gives me tons of time to reevaluate all the packing i haven't actually done yet.  ugh. how am i ever supposed to fit everything of mine into one suitcase under 23kg.  can someone please be frustrated alongside me. am i alone?

you're forgiven

what would you give to hear those words: you're forgiven.  trust me, from the bottom of my heart, you're forgiven and i'm not broken.  time doesn't heal things, a change of heart makes up for all the mistakes in the past.  you're forgiven and i love you.  i'll forget everything, because i know that's the only way to move on.  i've spent too long, caught up in the past.  it's time to forget, time to stop reminiscing on all the bad memories.  it's my time to stop wondering what could have been or what if.  it's just time to move on.  it's time to press on towards a better future, remembering that without the past we wouldn't be here.

this is my grown up christmas list

so, i'm sitting on my bed listening to michael buble's christmas album, which by the way is amazing, i highly recommend buying it.  anyway, i can't think of one material thing that i want for christmas.  it took me all these years to come to a point of just simply being satisfied with what i have.  merry christmas.

consider the interests of others

It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and you come second. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up. Others matter more than you do, so 'don't fuss, dear; get on with it.' Audrey Hepburn 

I wish you believed

I want you to close your eyes tonight and find peace.  I want you to believe me when I say she's resting as we speak.  I wish you believed in the faith that saved her soul.  You should know, she never meant to leave you feeling alone.  Sometimes we're thrown curves that we can't dodge fast enough.  I'm sorry, you're still hurting.  I'm sorry that life is rough.

rest in peace

i'm sure you're laying with angels somewhere up in the clouds.  as i rest my head on my pillow tonight, i'll dream of you sleeping in the feathers, wrapped up in the angel's wings.  i hope you're happy up there.  i hope it's even better than my dreams. i'm sure you're dancing on the golden streets in your bare feet.  tell me are they lined with pearls and stones?  i hope you're happy up there. we miss you back at home.

don't point your finger.

Don't point your finger and try and put the blame on anyone else but yourself.  We're all people searching for what we will never find.  We're forever looking, because we will never find what we're looking for.  We're all living for something and yet some how unsure we're really living at all.  We're all living as best as we think we can.  To ourselves, we haven't failed, because we are still alive.  I've heard it said before: dying is easy, living is hard.  Could those few words ring any more true?  What courage does it take, to hide, to live as though you're not even alive?  How much strength does it take to face each day, like it's the last.  To keep on fighting even when it seems like the world is fighting back at you.  Be the kind of person who wakes up thinking today they will change the world.  Be the person who wakes up with a smile on their face.  Life is what you believe it is.

eighteen years.

And it took me eighteen years but I think I finally am beginning to understand my faith.  Faith isn't seeing, faith is believing.  Faith is believing even when there's no evidence to back it up.  A leap of faith means taking a step - a step out in faith, a step out into the unknown with no expectations.  Faith is trusting that things will workout for the best.  Faith isn't organization, faith isn't a set of rules, faith doesn't come with an instruction manual, it doesn't tell you how to do - there is no "Faith For Dummies."  You can't see to believe; if you see then you know and when you obtain knowledge you no longer believe.  Proof isn't faith - faith isn't proven.  This world doesn't operate on faith.  The secular world tells you what you can grasp in your hands is what's there.  What I can see with my eyes and hold with my hands is what's laid out in front of me.  What I have faith in is beyond what I can see.   I have faith that there is a power beyond what's been proven to exist.  This is my leap of faith.  This hasn't been proven, but I have enough faith to believe it doesn't need to be.  The things of this world will eventually fade away, but the faith in our hearts lives on forever.

i thought i knew back then.

looking back i can remember.  i remember every 11:11.  i remember closing my eyes  - i remember every wish.  i remember my dreams and trying to make them a reality.  i remember realizing the pieces that had fallen apart were slowly falling together.  i remember getting everything i thought i wanted.  i realized i knew never what i needed.  i remember smiling.  i remember feeling satisfied, and other days feeling not.  i remember breaking down.  i remember crying and i remember the pain.  i remember the mean words.  but more than that l remember the love.  i remember those moments of weakness.  i know now that i'm strong.  i remember where i've been because it's brought me to where i am now.  i know that i can do it, but only because i remember giving up hope.  i remember crying.  i remember feeling like i'd fallen apart.  most of all, i remember believing.   i remember praying.  i remember those tears of joy.  i remember salvation.  i remember redemption.  i remember you. i remember the hope i found.  i remember letting go of the past. i still remember.  

the epitome of beauty

home.

Were all lost souls searching for more, trying to find a place where we belong. Were seeking out comfort, looking for love in all the wrong places. Were killing ourselves trying to find a place to call home.  The truth is we'll never find it. We will never be satisfied. We are in this world, but we are not of it and because of this we will forever be seeking for more until the day were called home.

my broken hearts still beating

So I've got a past and maybe I can't erase my mistakes. I'm not perfect and I'm falling short all the time, but I'm accomplished and worthy; held together, just barely hanging on. My hearts a little beat up, broken and abused. If you peal off my mask you'll find I'm bruised. And so maybe I'm not perfect and I've made some bad mistakes, but I'm alive and breathing. My broken hearts still beating. My wounded souls still here pushing on. Let it go, leave this past behind. Take me and all my mistakes, take me in this torn up shape. I am still alive.

< 3

a fool for a love - well if i'm a fool, then fine.

we are alive.

We will never repeat the same mistakes we've made knowing their outcomes - that's simply hypocrisy. We will move on, take what went wrong and turn it around for good. We are strong, stable, beautiful people. We refuse to be ruined by the troubles thrown our way. We are wise beyond our years, educated for wholeness and knit together with a complexity deeper than its seams. We are stronger and bigger than our troubles. We are not flesh alone; we're souls enveloped in an unchosen skin. We do not choose our destinies - we have not hand picked our fate. We are here, simply facing each new day; growing and moving on from yesterday - pushing on towards the promise of tomorrow. We are waiting, breathing, dreaming and believing. We are alive.

i have never.

sitting here right now, with one job and nothing to do during the day, no school, no classes, and as of late no friends who have no school or no classes.  i am bored out of my mind.  i have never felt so unproductive.